Yirah: Reconsidering Fear through Listening

“…writing is the art of taking dictation, not giving it.  When I listen to what I hear and simply jot that down, the flow of ideas is not mine to generate but to transcribe.” –Julia Cameron

 

I think what I want to focus on this week is the art of listening. Julia Cameron is quite helpful with this idea.  It draws on the idea that we have what we need inside; listening is about opening up to what is present and tapping into that presence.  When I think about this, I do not think it means we should only write when the moment strikes.  It is more about understanding the intention with writing.  It is about the approach.  It is about the inspiration of writing.  And I know I struggle to listen.  I get so caught up in the supposed to’s and the ego seeking comfort of meeting deadlines that I lose sight of the spaces out of which productive writing emerges.

Sometimes the noise is so incredibly loud that I can’t hear what is going on inside.  I get stuck in those moments and all I can hear is everything else.  I can hear the espresso machine churn, the voices of the couple behind me, the wind blowing hard against the windows, the bad jazz circulating through my ears.  Coffee shops.

All of it keeps moving and shifting and I can feel my restless mind unable to settle in and listen—really listen to what is going on inside.

Fear, lately, has been going on inside of me lately.  During my attendance at a conference one of the speakers discussed the Hebrew words: Pachad and Yirah.  Pachad is when the ego is afraid of being wounded. It is the primal fear that comes when we feel our lives and utter well-being under threat. Yirah is the fear we feel when we enter larger spaces and come into growth. This fear can feel like pachad but it is actually an opening, an expansion, an emergence. Yirah is when ego transcends into something larger, rather than experiencing the threat of destruction.  It makes sense that we could confuse the one for the other.  The idea of moving into something new and unfamiliar can be foreign and create panic in our sense of self.

I love this idea of yirah.  It is what helps me think about the ways that fear has had power over me and how I can start to look those feelings straight on and keep moving and experiencing the world.  It is a way to embrace and find joy in the possibility of something else. 

Sara Mohr quotes Rabbi Lew, who “describes yirah as ‘the fear that overcomes us when we suddenly find ourselves in possession of considerably more energy than we are used to, inhabiting a larger space than we are used to inhabiting’” (See more at: http://www.jonathanfields.com/blog/is-it-fear-or-awe/#sthash.ZLhMDiBY.dpuf).  I love this idea.  It is incredibly powerful and enriching to think about the moments in which I have been most frightened and how much those moments were meant to push me further and into new and uncomfortable places that made me feel more and more alive. 

So what does yirah have to do with listening to what needs to be written?  At this moment, I honestly do not know exactly. Listening and fear have been on my mind, though. There is something telling me that I need to really spend time with the idea of yirah. With the idea that my fears are not about a deeper survival issue, it is hard to tell my body to sit still, to stay awake to the feelings.  The practice of sitting with that fear is something I know I need to keep up with.  And I can't help but wonder if sitting with yirah will help me to listen more deeply and engage my writing in new ways? Or maybe writing and listening is part of what I need to do to engage with yirah. Listening to my fear to find yirah. 

That is my work.