The Messiness of Spring

This past week has been messy.  Messy in a variety of ways, but predominantly in the area of relationships.  And the spring has managed to stir up a host of challenges for me that I have not been able to manage very well at all.  

"Clearing out the old to make room for the new is the
fundamental sadhana of the spring season." C. Twomey

I have been doing my spring cleaning in many different ways.  I cleaned my closets.  I cleaned my cabinets.  I cleaned my fridge.  I cleaned the garage.  I cleaned my yard.  I cleaned my office.  I have been doing a great job cleaning the external world around me. Those are my external spaces.  I have been making room for the new in my physical surroundings.  I can control those inanimate spaces so much better than people. 

What about internally?  I did a cleanse early on in spring.  I have been clearing internal spaces with meditation.  I have been facing some of the demons of my internal spaces.  Confronting when I need to. Telling hard truths when I need to.  

"If we are truly interested in living
consciously with the rhythms of the
seasons, we can start this
seasons by looking at what
 needs to be released
and what needs to be
fertilized." -C. Twomey

So why do I feel so...icky?  Why do I feel so incredibly heavy and lost and anxious?  I have these moments of not feeling like anything I'm doing is mattering or making a difference.  It is not helping me release anything.  


Irises grow from creeping rhizomes.  I find that fascinating.  Creeping rhizomes. The irises in my garden are starting to reveal their rhizomes, creeping rhizomes.  They are rising above the dirt.  Exposed and alive. That is how I'm feeling these days. Exposed and alive. So alive in my ability to feel, really feel.  Simultaneously, I'm exposed and scared of losing myself. Losing some part of myself. Shedding that strange layer of skin containing me, holding me. 

Irises are the first to wake up from the winter--at least in my garden. The first to test the air. Historically, they express courage. Perhaps the courage to emerge from the comfort of the earth, transforming and opening to the world above the surface. Spring is a time of change and transformation. That requires me to let go of the old and embrace the new.  And in that process, letting go of expectations. "This isn't about dropping out and becoming apathetic, but about stepping fully into one's life and not resisting the aspects that are difficult. Instead we work on transforming ourselves in them" (Twomey).  I am trying so hard not to run from the challenges of the semester's end, which so nicely and cruelly align with the challenges of spring.  Beautiful and cruel.  'Tis the season.