Neko Case

Since I feel largely uninspired and bummed out, I decided it would be best to write about something (someone) that inspires me. In this case, it is Neko Case.  I had the wonderful opportunity to see her last weekend and get lost her voice and lyrics.  I have to admit this last album struck a deep chord in me, largely because of an interview I heard her give with David Dye on NPR's World Cafe some time last fall. She discussed how this album was something more personal than she had done before and delved into her experiences with depression and challenges with her family life and upbringing--all of which I can relate to very well.  The album itself has one of the most amazing titles possible: The Worse Things Get, the Harder I Fight, the Harder I Fight, the More I Love You.


There is one amazing song that I return to again and again on this album, titled "Where Did I Leave that Fire." 

A chill ran through me
And I grabbed on tight
That was when I left my body for good
And I shook off all the strength I'd earned

I wanted so badly not to be me
I wanted so badly not to be me
I saw my shadow looking lost
Checking its pockets for some lost receipt

Where did I leave that fire?
Where did I leave that fire?

Will a stranger find it on a curb idling?
Cold cough and the time zone just short of outer space?
Six o'clock tomorrow a strange voice says to me
I do believe we have a fire lady
You can pick it up if you come down with ID.

-Neko Case

"I saw my shadow looking lost; checking its pockets for some lost receipt."  My love of the metaphorical and obscure has latched on to that particular line in the last week.  Although I can see those dark spaces so well these days, I just don't know what they want.  They scare me because I don't have answers and solutions. And they feel as lost as I do.  

Neko opened with this song. It has this haunting industrial sound, sort of like drops of water falling from pipes into the depths of a hardened metallic earth. It is an interesting contrast between sonic water and the lyrical fire that struggle for voice, understanding, recognition. The end haunts me most.  If I have my ID. If I can find myself somehow, then I can claim that fire--reclaim that fire. But what if I don't have ID? What if I can't figure myself out? I'm just haunted by that right now. Perhaps, because I'm feeling so lost. 

"You're not supposed to totally know what's happening. The songs are supposed to give you clues so you can fill in the blanks. I don't know if I'm good at this or not, but I try. I started out trying to write songs that were more straightforward but it didn't really work." --Neko Case, interview

This is exactly why I'm so drawn to her lyrics. I don't want lyrics that tell me exactly what has happened.  I don't want them to give me conclusions and boxed in trajectories and routes.  I want to hop on and off the lyrics and sit with them for awhile.  Hold them. Feel them.  Smell them.  Taste them. Then hop back on the route and maybe take a detour.  I want to be able to try them on and see how they fit with the moment. I don't want to keep circling around and around again and hear the song in the same way. Yet I do want the music and lyrics to inspire me to take that first step. To start to see all the possibilities out there.  

"Depression, there's no grand excellence to it. In my experience it was just almost the gulaggy boringness of it that'll kill you. You're just in this murk. And you're with other humans, but you lose all your human skills and it's just like you're in this plastic bag and you can't quite connect with people. You lose your ability to transmit electricity or something, and to receive it. It's just like this bzzzuh. It isn't sparking." --Neko Case, interview

Probably not the ideal way to end this entry, but it so deeply resonates with where I've been and where I'm afraid I'll return.  I find myself fighting to not feel this way. But in that struggle, I see how much I miss and how quickly that filmy bag can make its way over all my senses.  I don't want that. I want to find my ID and reclaim my fire.