Turning to Saraswati... and the Peacock

May the goddess of speech enable us to attain all possible eloquence,
she who wears on her locks a young moon,
who shines with exquisite lustre,
who sits reclined on a white lotus,
and from the crimson cusp of whose hands pours,
radiance on the implements of writing, and books produced by her favour.
– On Saraswati, Sarada Tilaka

A long hiatus from the blog. It seems fitting to restart with the inspiration of Saraswati.  It has taken her to help me see out of the fog and frustration of the winter depths.  In a way, she is the sun drawing me out from beneath the earth's surface. She is the one giving me courage to open tendrils up and into the world that feels harsh, cruel, and unforgiving. She is the one who tells me these tendrils are strong enough to move up and through the layers of dirt and shit to see the world I am creating. To breathe it in. To enjoy it. To reve(a)l.  

Understood as the goddess of knowledge, creativity, and music, she is inspiration.  I read this description of her:

“Saraswati also stands high in yoga, as the Sushumna channel through which Kundalini energy may rise upwards.  Through breath control, the solar and lunar energies are merged into the neutral Kundalini energy. The lunar energy channel is symbolized by the river Ganga, riding the crocodile. The solar energy channel is the Yamuna goddess and river, while the central neutral channel is Saraswati. The upward flow of Kundalini through the central Saraswati channel then pierces the chakras and brings liberation.” [http://www.sanatansociety.org/hindu_gods_and_goddesses/saraswati.htm#.VVIjd2CyPdl]

Liberation.  I have been seeking that for the past month (well, probably much longer).  Feeling trapped, stuck in something that I have not fully been able to identify.  I'm seeing that the muck is not something that I need to understand in order to release. It's old stuff that I need to move through and simply return to the universe. 

Thinking about Saraswati as the channel that enables energy to rise, it puts into perspective the spring season--and my experience of it.  When I watch my hostas rise from the earth, I think about how beautiful they are and in that beauty, I assume an ease. But to feel the seed break open beneath the surface and push through the muck; that is tremendous work.  Anything but ease.  I can comprehend that now, because that is what I'm feeling happening to my mind, body, consciousness, being.  I am struggling to work through the earth and take the nutrients from the earth that I need and release what I don't need, so I can burst open into something new, awake, alive.   I have to admit, it hurts.  At times, all I want is to stay buried. But that fecundity can grow toxic if it is not allowed to release and transform. Frustration, anger, desire--all it festers in the fear of letting go.  So I keep telling myself to let go.  

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“The peacock is a possessor of some of the most admired human characteristics, and is a symbol of integrity and the beauty we can achieve when we endeavor to show our true colors.” [http://www.whats-your-sign.com/peacock-symbolism.html]  The peacock is a symbol of nobility, guidance, protection.

I can't help but see the link between rising up and out of the earth and showing my true colors.  The colors of my burst of life energy, like the colors of my hostas, irises, and other bulbs reflect what they are--who I am.  The fear I always hold is enormous. The fear of showing who I really am. The fear of being vulnerable, open, and alive.  Yet I know in the depth of my heart that I thrive when I let go and open to the world.  I think of the peacock opening his feathers to the world. Glorious.