Feeling Anger, Guilt, and Other Emotions

It has been way too long since I wrote an entry. Hence, the guilt, anger, and other emotions.  We're getting closer to the juncture, moving out of later winter and into spring.  I can feel the heaviness of water pulling me into the earth.  

I am struggling for a theme around which to write.  I suppose it could revolve around the lost three weeks and the nearing juncture.  It could also be about the busyness of work and the frenetic vibrations of the past several weeks.  The vata just taking over my ability to focus and sit still for any length of time. Now I'm struggling to pull myself out of the sand.  The tension between air and earth reaching its pinnacle. Right here. Right now. 

I found this picture and I think I want to focus on the feeling I had in that picture. The feeling of sinking into the soft sand. How comforting it was to feel the warm softness hold me. It was comforting until I tried to move.  I struggled to move my feet.  The harder I tried, the more the suction of the wet sand pulled me deeper into the earth. FIghting and reacting always makes things worse. 

It was lovely to just stand in the sand and not fight it.  I'm learning slowly.  I can see how reacting makes everything worse.  I need to not fight the tiredness.  I need to let myself feel that softness cradling me and stop worrying and wondering what it means to stay still for too long.  I need to remember that it is okay to stop and just feel what I'm feeling. And for the past week or so, I have been overwhelmed with anger, guilt, shame, and other challenging emotions. But I have also been feeling joy, love, excitement, and wonder. 

So for the weekend, I will sit in the silty sand and just feel.  Just feel what it's like to sit still. Feel the stillness without fear of it taking over my whole being.  Feel the quiet without fear of losing myself.  Feel the holding without fear of losing all that I have gained.  

I will keep staying in the stillness. And I will keep writing. And I will keep showing up. Even if I continue sinking into the sand.  Going deeper and deeper.